in your eyes, im always bad. always useless. always lousy.

i think my life is an irony. with a dad who says that he thinks he is a good dad, when he hits when he is not happy with me, even till now. & a mum who always loves to put me lower when i just scolded & hit by my dad. no one bothers to care about me. so what if others think that they are giving me a lot for pocket money. but its inclusive of my transportation, all day meals, & phone bill. which means im left with nothing much larh. & my dad will just go berserk & scold me some stupid reasons which doesnt even concern him. & i dont understand why he is so bothered by that issue when it doesnt even affect him. i. really. dont. understand. & he can be so angry & start throwing things around all over again. (he always throws things around when he is angry & going on a fit.) URGH. im just trying my best to please them. but they just have to show me how not supportive they are. calling me useless, calling me stupid. imagine your own parents calling you that. sometimes, i just feel that i shouldnt be brought to this world. i shouldnt be born. why for be born to parents who will call you useless, stupid? my dad was still telling me that its okay if i couldnt get into NUS, NTU or SMU, so long as i tried my best. & when now, im so determined to try my best & pull up my grades. he just needs to come by & push me down. i havent been feeling fantastic lately. im pretty stressed up with school, projects & assignment. but he just have to come & restrict me from everything. from staying up late even though im doing work. from going out. he loves to ground me. i dont understand. cos he dislikes me this much, yet he wants to keep me at home & see me & get angry. how weird. urgh. i feel so fucked up and messed up. i hate my life now. hate everything bad that is going on. i just everything to over. over. OVER!

oh yes. he doesnt allow me to stay up late to complete school work now. even if the submission date is the next day. he said that i must go to bed & not do my things. he said that since i cant finish it before his bedtime for me. den i dont need to hand in. & if my groupmembers are unhappy, they can call him. WA LAO. he thinks he is very big & everyone has to listen to him. & when i say my grades will suffer. den he said that he dont mind wasting more money on my education since he allowed me to waste one year on jc. URGH. how ridiculous can he be? & he still can say he thinks he is a good dad. OHMYGAWD. he is just sick larh. URGH. FUCK.